Dreams

I have been dreaming about my mom lately. This is such a bittersweet experience leaving me oddly satisfied and unsatisfied upon waking. When I wake from these dreams, which don't happen all that often, I immediately attempt to go back there but she is always just out of reach like a troublesome word on the tip of your tongue that despite how hard you try to grab at it, it simply slips a little further out of reach.

My dreams of her are always vivid and usually she has a message for me. The first of these dreams came a few weeks after she left us. I remember it like it happened yesterday although it was over 5 years ago. We were walking arm and arm on a cruise ship (hey, I didn't say they entirely make sense), she was also holding hands with Bob. She told me that I had Dave and the kids and that Mike would be okay as well.

The next time she came to me, we were at a Ryan family party -- a baby or bridal shower. She was at the fridge loading the blender with ice for a batch of her famous margaritas. I asked her when she was coming home and she told me gently she wasn't. Satisfying and unsatisfying. And frustrating, as I can't call her to me at will -- she only comes when she comes. Despite my most earnest efforts, I can make these dreams happen.

Dave and I have had long talks about these dreams. I truly believe that it is my mom coming to visit, coming to me when I need her. Dave believes they are my subconscious giving me the comfort that I need when I need it. I like my explanation better but either way the take away is an oddly unsatisfying comfort.